E3 2009: The Predictions

Today is the day that everyone gets to be wrong.

If you were to browse to a website that specializes in video game news.  Wait…  Gosh.  Hopefully, y’all will press the back button and read the rest of this post.

Video game news-based websites are currently full of: rumors, speculation, and early E3 announcements.  Fanboys and fangirls are filling Internet forums with gossip; their hopes and dreams are on display.  Joystiq has ‘Bingo’ cards to guess at what the video-game console manufacturers will announce at their keynotes – cute, but they are giving everyone the same card which defeats the entire point of Bingo.  Also, they are missing the fly, older ladies that hang out at Bingo at the local retirement home.  [shot out to Evelyn if she’s reading!].

Lordpi.com prides itself as being the sole home for truth, justice, and the American Way on the Internet.  Also, burritos.  This means that lordpi.com cannot participate in idle gossip, rumors, and any form of speculation that doesn’t involve gold.  Which is why the following is comprised of educated reasoning, blatant lies, and great ideas.

Microsoft Xbox Video Game and Entertainment System

Educated reasoning:

– Statistics: Xbox 360 has sold a lot.  Lots of people on Xbox Live.  Lots of things downloaded.  Big Netflix numbers.  Lots of 3rd party game sales.  Mention of the number of titles on the Community Arcade.

– Halo ODST: This game will be huge!  No Master Chief?  No problem.

– New 1st party game announcements: Forza Motorsport 3 [for racing fans], a game by the Lionhead studio, a game by the Rare studio, and a game by the Bigpark studio.

– Alan Wake [Microsoft/Remedy]: this game should be awesome.

– 3rd parties on display: Modern Warfare 2 [Activision/Infinity Ward], Tony Hawk’s Ride [Activision], The Beatles [EA/Harmonix], Madden 2010 [EA/EA Tiburon], Bioshock 2 [Take 2], and Assassin’s Creed 2 or Splinter Cell: Conviction [Ubisoft] are the likeliest of candidates.

– New XBLA game: A new game for the Xbox Live Arcade is normally announced and released during the press conference.

– New Xbox Live demos: New demos are normally released online during the convention.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

– Hulu support: I’d introduce ad-supported video.  Lots of people are too cheap to buy entertainment.

– Games that should have sequels:

– Crackdown: this game showed promise.  Please make another.

– Mechassault, Mechwarrior, Battletech, Mechcommander: Choose one [or more] and make more games in their series.

– Crimson Skies: See Mechwarrior above.

– Bloodwake: We’re serious.

– Phantom Dust: The first was great.

Sony Playstation 3 Computer Entertainment System

Educated reasoning:

– Statistics: Playstation sales (as a percentage).  Home numbers.  PSN numbers.  Sony likes numbers, so we should see a bunch.  Amount of user generated content made for LittleBigPlanet.

– Talk about the games that will come out eventually: God of War 3, MAG, Gran Turismo 5, Heavy Rain, and Uncharted 2.

– Media announcements: Sony will have a video partnership with someone.  Hulu, Netflix, Blockbuster, or CBS.  This will come in a forthcoming patch [to which they will provide more details].

– PS3 Slim[mer]: A new physical body is being worked on for the Playstation 3.  It won’t be nearly as slim as the PS2 currently is, but it will be quite a bit thinner than the huge unit they currently ship.  Improvements will come from: external power supply, simpler chips, and less accessory ports [external usb hub?].  The parts should cost less than the current model.  Still won’t be backwards-compatible with the Playstation 2, though.

– New 1st party game announcements: Team ICO’s much anticipated game, new PSN titles, new SOCOM, new games in their casual series [Singstar, Buzz, Eyetoy], Starhawk, and Twisted Metal.  About ten ‘new’ games should be announced, even though there have already been a number of them leaked/rumored.

– 3rd parties on display will be quite similar to Microsoft’s.

– New Home content.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

– Lordpi.com would hope that Sony gives nice parachutes to those that they put in charge.

– Presentation would be done inside of LittleBigPlanet.  If not Sony keynote == FAIL.

Nintendo Wii

Educated reasoning:

– Statistics: Wii numbers are teh crazy!!!!111!11!1  As are Mario Kart Wii, Wii Play, and Wii Fitness numbers.  DS numbers are also incredible.  Number of WiiWare and VC games might also be touted.

– The Casual Market: There will be a lot of focus on the ‘casual’ market.  Wii Fitness Plus and Wii Sports Resort will headline.

– The Core Market: Bird-chirps.  It won’t be as bad as last year, as Nintendo will talk about a new Mario game, the Metroid Prime collection, some DS->Wii IP ‘ports’, two non-Metroid Gamecube->Wii upgrades, and Kid Icarus Wii.

– New Virtual Console releases will be announced.

– There will be a big focus on the Nintendo DS/DSi as well.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

– New games:

– Nintendogs Wii

– A Fire Emblem spinoff for the Wii.  Same feel, but more realtime.

– Wii Remote Massage

– A real Zelda game for the Wii

– Wii Party [yes, it wouldn’t have Mario in it – you would primarily use your Mii’s; this would be for ‘the casual market’ that is afraid of Mario and all of his mushroom kingdom shenanigans]

– No Kid Icarus for the Wii would ever be made.  It prevents lordpi.com from joking about the incredulity of Kid Icarus not having a sequel.

– Wii HD: It’s too early for this.  It should be ready next year.  It would run the same exact game discs as the current Wii, but it would ‘upscale’ the graphics to 720P.  Primarily for the Core Market.

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About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
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