Presidential Planetary Platform

It’s sad how much the presidential candidates (Senator Obama and Senator McCain) have been ignoring the most pressing issue of the election:


Let’s face it, the majority of the people eligible to vote don’t care about taxes, war, drugs, healthcare, sex scandals, abortion, capitol punishment, foreign policy, experience in office, filling supreme court seats, or any of the usual rigmarole that politicians debate.  These are all things that have no measurable effect on our day-to-day lives.  And with our feeble votes, they aren’t the sort of things we have any ability to affect.

We should follow the advice of recovering alcoholics: ‘I don’t remember, I was drunk’.  Well, that or the thing about only worrying about what we can actually affect.

Which brings me back to the real issue of plutoids.  Now, dear reader, I’m sure that both of you are wondering why plutoids are important.  Plutoids mean that everything you were ever taught [in school] was actually a lie.

No, this isn’t about the wishy-washy astronomers and their ‘it’s a planet’, ‘no its not’, ‘its a dwarf planet’, ‘its a plutoid’, ‘plutoids are dwarf planets if they somewhat resemble pluto’, ‘i like cheese’.  And the eternally debated: ”If a ‘dwarf planet’ falls into a black hole, does it make a sound?“ And whether it is more politically correct to refer to dwarf planets as ‘little planets’.  It’s so confusing sometimes.  How do we know that ‘dwarf planets’ are really small and its not that the other planets are too big?  I mean, we refer to some of them as ‘gas giants’.  Although, I’ve heard that term can also be used to describe long-term WoW addicts.

Also, there isn’t really a problem with the invention of the term ‘plutoid’.  The wordovation space is still a nascent industry and that means there are still a lot of syllables to go around [NOTE: is a leading wordovator, having just invented the word ‘wordovator’ and the concept of ‘wordovation’].

The problem is that America is a democracy, and we’re proud of it.  It works.  Sure, the economy might spin out of control, there might be an oil crisis [or two], mortgages might all default, the cost of bananas might rise to $.89/lbs, ‘American Idol’ might be the number one television show of all time, and violence and sex in video games is considered teh worst thing evah.  But it’s better than any of the other systems of government out there.  The two best things about American democracy is that we get free elections – which help in determining our overlords — and that there are multiple, interlocking branches of government – a design which helps prevent anyone from having too much power.  If there wasn’t a legislative branch, the President would just declare every day ‘Wear Cheese as a Hat Day’ and demand a tithe of beautiful young ladies.  Luckily, for those of us who prefer our heads to be cheese-less and our comely, young ladies to be non-sacrificed, we have a legislative branch that might decide to impeach the President if he ever went that far.

Compare this with astronomy.  There isn’t a system of checks and balances in the ‘scientific’ world of astronomers.  They can do whatever they want, wherever they want, and there isn’t anyone who can do anything to oppose them.  Do you even know who your astronomical representative is?  When was the last time that you even had an opportunity to vote?  Were there any Plutians represented on the astronomer’s high council?  What’s to stop them from putting cheese on every planet’s head?  And what horrible plans do they have for our womenfolk?

This is why we need legislative oversight!  We need a President who will make the skies safe for democracy!  Every sentence in this paragraph has to end with an exclamation mark!  Or two!!!

Imagine if this is allowed to continue…  What happens when they decide that moonless planets aren’t planets, but mercuroids?  And then they decide that bodies like hema need to be –oided?  AND WHAT OF THE MOON?  ISN’T IT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE?  WHAT KIND OF SICK VIRGIN-SACRIFICING PLANS DO THEY HAVE FOR IT?!?!?!

It’s not too late.  We can still stop them.  We can still bring JUSTICE and DEMOCRACY to the ‘so called Scientific Community of Astronomy.’  Don’t let the terrarists win.


Get involved:

Ask Barack Obama what he will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask Cynthia McKinney what she will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask John McCain what he will do about the planetary problem.*


* NOTE: Don’t actually contact any of them.  The astronomers have ‘friends’ in high ‘places’ and they might turn you into a plutoid.  That, and you’d probably… Forget it.  I’m going to get some cheese pizza and wallow in it.

About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
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