How-to Procrastinate

If you are reading this article, there is a good chance that you are trying to procrastinate.  At, our goal is to help our dear readers enjoy their precious vices without those troublesome feelings of guilt and regret.

Procrastination is often treated as a pejorative.  Which is unfortunate, since it is one of the Seven Writer Skills (NOTE: the capitalization is used to make that seem important.  I would have put a trademark emblem, but I’m too lazy to bother working with the USPTO to get a trademark on it.  Even if I did, it’d be expensive and then I’d have to defend it.  sigh)

The Seven Writer Skills are the various skills that a writer needs to use when they want to write something: procrastinate, dream, study, seduce, disguise, understand, and write.  In many ways they are similar to the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Heavenly Virtues — since there are seven of them.  (Hello, Captain Obvious)  Another way in which they are similar is that they also have an archenemy: the Seven Enemies-of-Writers-Everywhere Obstacles.  Yes, it is a stupid name, but they hate writers so there isn’t anyone who can write them a better one.

The Obstacles’s are: bliss, love, time, the wall of unknowing, rational thought, women, and fear.  Most of which are the awesome things that make our continued existence possible.  Hrmm… maybe human society would be better off without evil writers and their irrational hatred of love/peace/women/walls.   As proof, look how much we are all presently enjoying a television schedule that consists of nothing but reality and game shows.  [NOTE: this joke makes more sense during a writer’s strike]

Anyway, procrastination doesn’t help if there is a pending deadline, but otherwise it is an important skill to have.  (see the majority of this article as evidence for/against the proceeding sentence)  Which leads to the question that I’m sure many dear readers are asking:


I’ve managed to avoid all of those obstacles (I’m a time-traveling despot with a giant smarty-head; my brainwaves have disabled my fear glands [ed: there are no such things as fear glands and neither is there an editor] and project inaudible sounds that make women nauseous when in my presence), but I seem to spend all of my time making powerful, thought-provoking works that will change society for the better., can you help me?


To which the normal response would be:


I hate you.  Please give me back my underwear.

Rude?  Yes.  Drafty?  More so.

Anyway, if you have bothered to read this far then you must be incredibly bored.  Sorry.  As a reward, here’s actual, helpful (!) advice that will let you correctly apply procrastination in order to make your life better:

  1. Have something you need to do.  Let’s call it Task Awesome.  It’s helpful if there is a deadline for completing it.
  2. Imagine how much better your life would be if you were to complete your task.
    1. If your life won’t actually be better (and your task won’t make society better), then question why you really want to complete the task.  It might be better to forget about it and go out and get a slice of key lime pie.
  3. Think of a nice reward you can give yourself upon the task’s completion.  Key lime pie always works — except when it doesn’t.
  4. Break down the task into small steps.  Or, at least, figure out what the next step is.
  5. Is there anything you don’t know about the task?  Add a step to research anything you don’t know.
    1. If you don’t know how to research what you don’t know, add a step to research how to research what you don’t know.
      1. If you don’t know how to research the research you will need to do to research what you don’t know… stop.  Ow.  My head hurts.
  6. Are you blocked on anyone else?  Let them know, but be polite.  And don’t leave thirty-seven messages on their voicemail — that doesn’t help.  She’s not going to call you back.  Besides, it was only two dates, so you can’t really be that obsessed with her.  No, her machine isn’t broken and she got your message: if anyone didn’t get the message it is you, buddy.
  7. If you feel overwhelmed:
    1. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax.  Don’t stress about it.  Either it will happen or it won’t.  Life will go on if no one’s life is at stake.
    2. Chocolate covered unicorns.
  8. Now, think of a different task that you really have to get started on.  Let’s call it Task X.  Preferably something more important and more urgent.  It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?  Yet, you keep putting it off.  Every day you wake up, struggle to get out of bed, barely living morning-to-night, friendless and alone, and hating yourself.  It’s easier to go back to sleep for a few minutes than look at yourself in the mirror.  It’s probably an impossible task as well.  Only an idiot would keep thinking that it is possible, but you are too stupid to give up.  If you give up than you would be a failure and a loser, but if you keep putting it off than at least you are only an idiot and a loser.  This is where procrastination is your friend!  Rather than work towards completing Task X, you can use your procrastination to motivate you towards working on Task Awesome!

Wow, it’s so easy, anyone can do it!  Don’t forget to give a ‘shout out’ to when you procrastinate your way to finishing your Great American Novel!

About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
This entry was posted in Truth. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to How-to Procrastinate

  1. Nicole says:

    I heart Procrastination! Fun post 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s