E3 Canceled

The entire Internet went crazy this past week, if the entire Internet was comprised of gaming news websites and forums.


This craziness is a reaction to rumors about E3 [the ultimate, yearly video game exhibition] being canceled, then rumors of it being downsized and moved, then confirmation; confirmation that it really wasn’t resurrected but that it’s dead and being replaced by a fat pig in a dress with some poorly applied makeup and pearls on.


Yay!  This means that I don’t have to bother taking detailed notes for three days, then deal with the anxiety of never typing them up and posting them online ever again!!!!


School’s out, for summer!  School’s out, for ever!  W00t.


The community reaction has been surprisingly negative, though.  After reading joystiq.com and slashdot.org it seems that at least ten people have lost their reason for living.  And two people won’t ever see boobs anymore.  Five people will finally turn eighteen, but still won’t be able to go since there isn’t anywhere to go to (all dressed up, eh?).


When approaching a delicate situation, it behooves both parties to ‘think win/win’ to reach an amicable resolution.  If we have more ‘win’s than ‘lose’s it means that destroying E3* is for the best.  Let’s take an unbiased view of the winners and losers:


Win — Big Game Publisher/Developer Fatcats — Don’t have to pay money to fly/house game makers to L.A. to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Win — Game Retailers — Don’t have to deal with entire staffs taking one week vacations at the same time.

Win — Big Publisher Fatcats — Don’t have to pay for booths, floor space, or mass quantities of XXXXL T-Shirts.

Win — Lazy Game Developers — Don’t have to worry about deadlines anymore since they’ll release the game when they feel like it.

Win — Duke Nukem Forever — It no longer has to worry about the speculation about skipping/making yet-another E3.

Win — Big Media Fatcats — Get to have fancy exclusives [aka no competition == $$] and can do what they do outside of E3: slightly touch-up whatever they are given by corporate PR and claim it as journalism [aka not having to staff journos == $$]

Win — Remakes/Sequels/Movie Tie-ins (aka crappy games) — No longer have to worry about people focusing their limited amount of attention on interesting/original/worthwhile games, since everyone’s attention is no longer limited to the exhibition hours (~24 crazy-busy hrs).

Win — Sony — No longer have to worry about screwing up a pre-E3 press conference.

Win — July — Now that the ‘miniE3’* is moved to July, July is the hottest month of the whole year!  W00t!

Win — Xtreme Feminysts — No longer have to worry about women getting paid to stand in place, and be pretty, for a lot of disgusting people to ogle them.

Win — Xtreme Environmentalists — No longer have to worry about the increased usage of hotels/planes/taxis/buses that are needed by the 50000+ attendees that no longer need to be in L.A. at that time.

Win — People without Xbox 360s — Don’t have to worry about being envious of their friends who got to enjoy a week of free Xbox Live, demos, videos, etc that accompanied E3 as part of ‘E3 at home’.

Win — Richard Stallman — I’m not sure how, or why, but I’m sure he’s getting high off the suffering of others.  Laughing like a hyena as he pets his cabbage patch dolls.  Preparing them.

Win — Bad Publishers — No longer will they have to find their name on lordpi.com’s list of ‘publishers likely to be out of business before next E3’.  *cough* *cough* Atari *cough* Midway *cough* non-Blizzard Vivendi *cough* *cough*

Win — Small Game Developers — No longer have to ‘waste’ money on E3.  Instead of trying to find a publisher or media attention, they can focus on what they do best: make games.

Win — Blizzard — E3 can be a powerful distraction.  Big enough to get a WoW player to log out for more than five minutes.  No longer!  Now Blizzard won’t have to worry about a player leaving their keyboard and being exposed to competition.


Okay, that’s about exhausted it.  Lets add it up:

Infinite Winners

Zero Losers

That means the ESA [the organization responsible for running E3] isn’t an instrument of satan, but a collection of concerned and/or rational human beings; human beings that don’t gain dark powers by engorging on the flesh of those unfortunate souls that happen to find themselves in Kentia Hall** when E3 would close for the day.***


* Yes, thy noblest of flames has been snuffed.  ‘Lo is the sun which once shined on this fair world.

** Kentia Hall was a small hall at E3 used to house small companies: disc repair/manufacturers, distributors, independent developers, foreign publishers, random accessory companies, and the like.  Basically, a person who went to E3 to evaluate games could ‘kill the hall’**** in under two hours.

*** Actually, this latter part (the Kentia soul/flesh harvesting) wasn’t disproved.

**** The goal of a serious E3 attendant is to witness/play every game/video at every booth.  There is a booth map in the ‘Show Daily’ that is essential to this task (the Show Daily is a magazine that is given out every day of the exhibition).  Using the first day’s maps, a serious attendant is supposed to visit each booth and cross out the representation they find of it on said map.  When all booths have been crossed out, the hall is considered completed.  Killed is used instead of completed when one wants to be sensational and are lacking wits.  So when a person says that they ‘killed the hall’ they are revealing a substandard intelligence and a false sense of pride for participation in a ‘game within a game convention’ that no one else is aware of and wouldn’t care about if they had even the smallest inkling of it.

About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
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