Attack of the Trackbacks

The Internet, a virtual destination one accidentally stumbles upon while surfing their porn, is a weird and treacherous place.  Most people experience it through a series of webpages.
To view these webpages, an application known as a browser is necessary.  Otherwise it’d be too dangerous, since the ocean waters are filled with evil piranha.  The best one at the moment is Internet Explorer Beta 2.


Webpages are quick, fearful creatures.  They scurry around like cockroaches once a kitchen light is turned on.  The only way to catch them is to think like them.


Unfortunately, webpages are just files that conform to the HTML ‘standard’, so you really can’t think like them.  That was just a really bad idea and I don’t know why you’d even entertain that as an option.  I mean really?  Thinking like webpages? 


No, the way to catch a webpage is to use one of four techniques:

  1. Have the user type the name of the webpage in their address bar.  The address bar is where the keyboard focus goes when one presses ‘Alt+D’ [holding down the ‘Alt’ key and then pressing and releasing the ‘D’ key].
    1. Ex. ‘Alt+D’ moocomic ‘Ctrl+Enter’ will take you to my ‘neglected’ webcomic [if it is still running]
    2. Ex. ‘Alt+D’ ‘Enter’ will also take you there
  2. Click a link on a webpage that you are already viewing.  Links are commonly blue and underlined.  When the mouse goes over them the curser turns into a hand, so that it’s easier to grab it .  Pressing the ‘Tab’ key should cycle between the links on the page.
  3. Click a link from a ‘search results’ webpage that you are already viewing.  These links resemble #2, but they are dynamically generated for you.  One can search from their address bar by placing a ‘? ‘ in front of whatever they want to search for.  IE7 (and some recent browsers) also support ‘Ctrl+E’ to place keyboard focus in a special search box.
  4. Being the homepage/favorite/launched from another application.  All of which are outside of the scope of this article.


As you can guess, the majority of webpage navigations are done by grabbing a link and squeezing the precious life out of it until it rats out the location of the webpage it is protecting.    At that point the browser is able to take you there. 


It’s never that simple, though: Links can’t be trusted.


In a lot of ways, this might sound like the defense an abused woman gives for her horrible husband:  it’s not his fault, it’s just his nature.    As that ever makes it all right.  Links are a lot like abusive spouses, and the sooner you realize it [and act on it], then the better off you will be.  You have to understand that you’re not going to change them, no matter how hard you try.*  The only way they’ll change is if they [aka the webpage author] want to change.


On the Internet, a link can be one of the following:

  1. The demagogues — They promise you all sorts of awesomeness [‘Free Xbox’ or ‘KittenS Ex Videos’].  Yet, you are instead given a lame webpage.
    1. The retard — Generally shows up in search results when you’re looking to answer a question.  They promise salvation, but return a webpage that doesn’t help due to it’s lack of content.
    2. The jerk — They redirect you to a broken/dead website.  404!  401!  879!  500!  503!  007!
    3. The flasher — They seem promising, but surprise!!! Porn!!!  Which isn’t always a bad thing, but for some reason bosses seem to frown on it while at work.
  2. The sharks — They don’t care about you — they’re only in it for the money.  Every click you make is money in their pocket.
    1. The decepticon — A well-placed/worded advertisement in disguise.
    2. The spammer — Each click opens up pop-ups, pop-unders, pops-to-the-side, etc.  At some point you have a bazillion windows open and your computer starts crying.
    3. The con artist — Fakes a link to look like it’s something from the operating system or a known website.  Also known as phishing.  Generally used for illegal or harmful acts against you , your computer , and/or black olive pizza .  The pizza connection isn’t fully understood, but they haven’t returned any of the phone calls/inquiries we’ve made to their palace on the extradition-free Island of Freedonia .
    4. The search engines — They are in the advertisement business.
    5. The dirty prostitute — They sneak onto your webpages through comments and trackbacks so a search engines ranks their webpages better.
  3. The normal — YMMV [Your Mileage Might Vary — which I think is about 24mpg highway at the moment].
    1. The blog/homepage — An opinionated, libel-filled rant by a person who can’t really write or find employment as a journalist.  Most of it are people crying about the sand that has worked its way up into their private areas.  Because it itches sooooo much.
    2. The corporate site — Bland, poorly organized, and never up-to-date.
    3. The Internet tool — In perpetual Beta.  80% of what you want with 20% of the interface done.  Due to the fact that every tool has eight other clones on the Internet, none will ever have all of your friends on them.
    4. The ‘professional’ news site — 90% are AP or Reuters articles on all of the other related news sites.  The opinion pieces also resemble those on the other related news sites since journalists are forced to take robot implants in University which kills their human spirit.  Unfortunately, it fuels their first for human blood.  Just like dolphins.
    5. Nekked Pictures — 90% of the Internet can’t be wrong.  Well, I mean it’s wrong.  It’s really wrong.  And although you, dear reader, are a pervert, please keep patronizing
  4. The — All of the below are absolutely true and self-explanatory.
    1. The utopia
    2. The penultimate
    3. The truth and honesty
    4. The pinez**


Yes, I left out things like .gov domains and probably a lot of other things.  Don’t forget that it’s possible to mix and match and of the first three kinds.  Many con artists are retarded, after all.


Anyways, this whole post was due to the fact that I just had to delete twenty trackbacks from my blog posts since some retarded, dirty prostitute wanted to game the search engines.  I introduced them to my little friend, delete.


* Yes, there are wiki’s.  A wiki is a webpage in which anyone can change anything at any time without consequence.  In a lot of ways they are like loose women, except without the boobs, and they have nothing whatsoever in common with women.  In other words: they’re pretty cool, but could be a lot softer.

** I just made up this word today.  Still trying to figure out what it means.  Sorry. 

UPDATE: Fixed some spelling and added a lot of emoticons to make people happy.  Since that’s what it should really be about — emoticons.

About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
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One Response to Attack of the Trackbacks

  1. Unknown says:

    Addition to: *GreasemonkeyIt can rewrite webpages on the fly to your preferences.  Some pretty cool things can be done with it.

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