Time Spent

(or, why I haven’t blogged in a while and learned to love the bomb)
There are two reasons why a person  doesn’t write  to their blog :
1. They are too busy and don’t care (which I can ensure you, isn’t the case, dear reader)
1. They can’t count correctly (which I can ensure you, isn’t the case, dear reader)
2. Society is perfect (which I can ensure you, isn’t the case, dear reader)
3. There is so much wrong with the world, that one doesn’t know where to start.
So, let’s assume #3 is my problem.  It gets more complicated.  I try too hard to make every article ‘perfect’.  I’m taking over an hour for each of these, and that doesn’t include the five man-years I’ll spend littering each post with an excessive number of smiley faces. 
Let’s examine how this sort of thing happens:
Sometimes I stumble upon a meme while surfing the Internet.  I’ll snip out a few links/paragraphs, make a poignant insight, and assign an awesome title {eg ‘Machine v Vampire John Henry’}.
But I know it won’t be enough.  No one cares about the undead  anymore.  It’s hard enough to get people to care about the living. 
So I give up and snip another meme.  And another.  "Playstation Three Facilitates Sexual Exploration in Young Males", "Innovation Shown to Increase Breast Size… in Men", "Parvenu", the list goes on…  But every other site on the Internet already handles that kind of thing: link two pages together, jot a few ‘witty’ lines, and make a billion dollars through click fraud.  Would you, dear reader, really be satisfied by that?
I have articles written (from over a month ago), but they are all in drafts somewhere or another.  Most are stuck in the first person and centered around something trivial that would annoy only me (eg "The Exploitation of the World’s Limited, Natural, Oil Resources").  But every other site on the Internet already handles that kind of thing: talk about how sad one is, mention a few people by name who no one else really knows but seem kinda cool in the quick shout-out given to them, put up a few smiling pictures of one with friends doing an awesome activity to which I wasn’t invited to, talk about how bad the weather is on some random other day, and have a bunch of friends add comments with words like ‘hey’ and ‘I know how that feels…’ and ‘I am a prince in a foreign country with a pretty sister and lots of gold.  Would you help me?  She’s very hawt…’  Would you, dear reader, really be satisfied by that?
I have a list of the thirty-forty things that *have* to be solved {eg "People who smoke in line", "Women who work out in ‘women room’", "The Music on MTV Lie", "Demagogues"} or society [as we know it] could cease to exist.  These aren’t imaginary problems (like what would happen if one were to travel in the past and use their past-self’s toliet without flushing afterwards).  These are all real issues that, if they were transformed to kittens, would be evil, gigantic kittens twenty-eight stories tall, named Roger, and would breathe acid on the faces of schoolchildren.    They’d also poop outside of their litter box to show how upset they are about the lack of attention they received when their owner was late coming home from work because the bridge was out due to the weather.  I mean, what the heck is the deal with having a floating bridge if you always have to close it every time I want to drive on it? 
But, like a stripper, I digress.  Except in the stripper’s case it’s not digression at all but didress, which isn’t even really a word.  Whenever I think of strippers I think of stripes and that makes me think of barber shop poles with the alternating red and white.  Actually, it doesn’t really and that was all a lie so I could describe barber shop poles.
Well, this article was supposed to be an apology, but now that I’ve so blatantly [brazenly?] lied I think I have to apologize for that as well.  So, I’m sorry.  I know that the fate of all humanity depends on me, and I realize that I’m letting six billion people down by not posting more often and/or lying.
Let’s start over again.  Hey, handsome, I’m THE DARK LORD PI!!!  Kneel before me or suffer my wrath!11!!1!    BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!11!!1!!1!!!
Okay.  Let’s start over again, again.  There are three primary forces that shape human society: vice, ignorance, and drama.  Let’s kick some ass.*
* And by ‘kick some ass’ I mean that I’m going to post articles of the three types I just complained about so that I actually post something.  And that I hope you, dear reader, will join in the revolution.**
** And by revolution I mean that you, dear reader, should contribute comments to help keep me on track and keep the discussion interesting

About lordpi

World's Foremost Satirist, Aspirant
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2 Responses to Time Spent

  1. Unknown says:

    You have a kitten?  🙂

  2. Ad says:

    You\’ve managed to blow my mind, yet again.  Thanks!

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